Totally regretting the last post! But it's not my style to delete, I prefer to backpaddle.
It has been a long time since I've been in anything that can be described as a relationship. A long time. So when I get those relationship pangs, I know I'm in no position right now with my job to actually have a relationship for two reasons: first and foremost, it's against the rules. Sort of. Staff can't date staff and staff can't date volunteers. And, martyr that I am, whenever I meet an interesting, funny, smart guy my instinct is to recruit them for a volunteer shift. It's like I'm flogging myself with a chastity belt, but so much less sexy than that! Secondly, I don't have the time and energy left over after work to be able to engage with anyone. I spend all day listening to life stories of the people I'm fighting for (and don't me wrong, it's the most fulfilling work I have ever done), so when I get home I just want to crawl into bed with a movie and turn my brain off.
At times when I do actually go out and socialize and am able to get my mind out of the campaign, that's when the desire for a relationship starts to seep back in. So one of the guys from another office (whom I love dearly, he's like my older brother and I admire him endlessly for the work he does and has been doing) calls me up last night at around 10 and asks me if I want to head into Philly to go to a couple bars in the area and out of some twisted place in my head I say yes. It's about an hour away, so I knew after the bars close at 2 I wouldn't be getting to sleep before 3. We meet up (and I meet his new boy... a hot, thug-ish guy who I never would guess was a catcher, let alone gay) I get some alcohol in me and suddenly all I want is contact. All I can think about is taking some guy home and... well, you can probably guess from the last post just what I wanted to do. Naturally, I deny any and all advances from everyone at these bars and go home alone. Not ideal, but I have a long day today (I'm writing this on my lunch break) and I just wanted to sleep in my own bed.
So somehow that desire for an actual relationship mutated into me talking about what I like to do in bed, and I realize that's awfully forward. The way I see it, I have enough great, intelligent people around me every day that I can get the physical stuff from a random stranger and everything will balance out. I know I'm wrong. I have no illusions about that.
So, sorry if the last post was too much! Again, it's how I roll. Especially when inebriated.
Anyways, now I'm hungover but it's not too bad, and I have good people around me again and I'm so freaking excited to see my family on Thursday. Life is pretty okay right now!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Evan, don't apologize for anything that you write in your blog. It's yours, you can write anything you want. You have others who read what you write, but don't do anything for us or to keep us happy. This is your place.
ReplyDeleteI admire what you do, but I understand that a job can leave someone mentally and/or physically exhausted at the end of the day. It is unfortunate that you can't date interesting people that you meet at work. But if you hit it off with someone, maybe save him for yourself rather than recruiting him to volunteer. That's not being selfish, it's being human and wanting someone in your life. You give so much at work that you need someone to give back to you at the end of the day. Otherwise you risk burnout if your emotional needs aren't being met.
I just reread this and realize that I sound like your psychologist, which isn't what I meant. But it sounds like you're yearning for more than you have at this point.