What the FUCK is wrong with it

And by it I mean me.

Tonight I was at a bar, and it was fun. We were playing pool and all was great. I went to the bar to get a drink for my friend and a glass of water for myself. This really, really cute guy started talking to me, asking me if I had a boyfriend. I panicked. I said I did and that he was out of town, a flat-out lie.

I don't know why I can so easily hook up with men on the internet but when it comes to in-person, I freeze and have panic attacks. I actually had to leave the bar and sit in my car for a few minutes before i could go back inside. It was a bad, bad situation and only made me feel worse about myself. My roommate tells me that I am a great guy, a really cute guy, who deserves better. But I have this tendency to self-destruct.

I know where this insecurity comes from, but I do not know how to overcome it. I just don't and I can't figure out why. Maybe I should see a professional about it because at this point it is seriously crippling me and my social life. I haven't had a boyfriend in YEARS and part of that is because a large part of me finds that level of intimacy really terrifying.

While in the car, I called the savage lovecast hotline. I wonder if Dan will get back to me. We'll see.