And yet, while I may regret this later...

Having just returned back to NJ after a night in Philly at a gay bar, I feel as though this post needs to be prefaced with the following:

I am drunk.

I pride myself on being a person who does not easily succumb to addiction. There was a period in university where, for at least 2-3 months, I smoked pot every day. Granted, I was a leisurely pot smoker all through university and to this day, however at most it's once or twice a week now. Seriously, 2 or 3 months where I got high every day. I kept my grades up, I was never high in class, I even consistently went to the gym, but as soon as I was done for the day, the joints came out and the pipes breathed easy once more. Then one day, for no particular reason, I decided to stop. Cold turkey, I didn't smoke again for a year, maybe more. No reason, I just didn't feel like it anymore, proving that pot had no control over me. I have of course resumed smoking pot, but not because I felt I needed to. I had just remembered how wonderful it felt. I think I can attribute that to the fact that I quit for a while, so that initial high never became complacency...  I never really got used to it and so I never felt the need to get higher and higher... I would only ever just have a good buzz going.

I tell this story because there is a vice I have that, no matter where I am or what I am doing, I have never been able to shake. It's a thought that is always in my head and it has led me to dangerous, foolish situations.

At this point, there's no dancing around the subject. I am addicted to giving head. There is no sexual act I enjoy more than going down on another guy and it's not really something I can control. Craigslist, manhunt, adam4adam... friends, teammates, classmates, teachers... it's somewhat alarming that I'm still STI free (I was tested a couple weeks ago).

Why I feel the need to share this I can't really explain. Maybe the few who read this can offer me some insight.  Maybe because it's been so long since the last time I've felt that irreplaceable feeling of a man that causes me to be so forthcoming.

Then again, I have been drinking.