Tell me what you think about your situation

I am getting fucking fired up. Three stories came up today that make me want to shout and scream and just punch people in their goddamn faces.

Portland Catholic Diocese pulls funding from homeless shelter after said shelter supported marriage equality. (Portland Press Herald)

18-year-old gay student in Georgia who got the okay to bring his boyfriend to prom has been kicked out of his own home. (macon.com)

Senator from Utah proposes amendment to HCR bill that would suspend same-sex marriage in DC until people can vote on the issue. (DC Wire)

So I think I know why I freaked out, lied and said I had a boyfriend to the amazing cute guy who hit on me at the bar. It's because after that I starting thinking about hooking up with him. And then hooking up with other guys. And then thinking about how one of those hook-up could possibly hold the potential for a relationship. And then thinking about how it's been so long since I've had a boyfriend that I would probably suck at being one, and how I really, really want one. I was driving with my roommate today and he mentioned how wanting a boyfriend and a relationship was weird and needy. I absolutely disagree, but I didn't really feel like getting heckled by him so I said nothing. And I know that he wants one too, he's just too blind to realize that he has something great right in front of him (who he's actually out to dinner with right now...) but instead keeps falling back in line with the same abusive alcoholic moron that keeps pulling him down.

If this guy can have two (or more) potential people to date, why the fuck can't I find one? I don't particularly like the bar scene here, since it seems everyone has already fucked everyone else (or fucked someone who did), and going online just seems... weird. I mean, what kind of people are so socially inept that they have to go online to find potential mates? Oh... right.

It's so fucking frustrating that it just makes me want to go back to craigslist to find random hookups and hide in being used.

What the FUCK is wrong with it

And by it I mean me.

Tonight I was at a bar, and it was fun. We were playing pool and all was great. I went to the bar to get a drink for my friend and a glass of water for myself. This really, really cute guy started talking to me, asking me if I had a boyfriend. I panicked. I said I did and that he was out of town, a flat-out lie.

I don't know why I can so easily hook up with men on the internet but when it comes to in-person, I freeze and have panic attacks. I actually had to leave the bar and sit in my car for a few minutes before i could go back inside. It was a bad, bad situation and only made me feel worse about myself. My roommate tells me that I am a great guy, a really cute guy, who deserves better. But I have this tendency to self-destruct.

I know where this insecurity comes from, but I do not know how to overcome it. I just don't and I can't figure out why. Maybe I should see a professional about it because at this point it is seriously crippling me and my social life. I haven't had a boyfriend in YEARS and part of that is because a large part of me finds that level of intimacy really terrifying.

While in the car, I called the savage lovecast hotline. I wonder if Dan will get back to me. We'll see.

Drunk again!

WATCH OUT. I am DANGEROUS in this state.

I am in one of those "I LOVE EVERYONE" drunk states, which tend to depress me, since when I awake from said drunk state, I realize most people are complete dicks.

At this point I could care less.

Sometimes... most of the time... I wish I could be one of those people who can make a semi-accurate statement about the human condition in 6 to 10 words. Then I realize most of the people who were able to do that are now dead.

Oh, and that maybe the human condition wasn't meant to be described in 10 words or less (or 100, or 1,000) and that it is ongoing!

And once again, I realize I am not the first person to discover said epiphany,

But I know I'm in good company, and that makes me happy.

I feel the need to qualify my statement earlier, re: people and their dick-ness.

There are many dickish people in this world, yet I feel it's safe to assume there are an equal number of non-dickish people as well, they just don't realize it or haven't found a venue in which to realize their non-dickishnes. Not a word. Let's roll with it anyways,

Time for sleep!

PS - Though born and bred American, I was totally cheering for Canada during the Olympic Hockey Finals. OH CANADA!!

PPS - If you haven't done a google image search for Sidney Crosby, DO IT NOW.