When it rains...

Boy does it fucking pour.

Note: this entry gets a little NSFW later on, so... there's that.

I've been doing some thinking about relationships. I'm currently in that very grey area before we actually use the b-labels and right now we're just flirting and spending the night. This guy is smoking hot. Beautiful brown eyes, very tight body and the cutest smile I have ever seen. And he was discharged from the military under DADT, which is kind of a turn-on. We had been flirting on and off for a few weeks, but things got crazy at my last job and we kind of lost touch a bit, he started dating someone else and so we didn't really talk a lot. Then one night he comes up to me and (very drunkenly) starts flirting with me kind of aggressively.

In this situation I tend to deflect. This is the same guy I mentioned earlier, who had approached me before and I had lied and said I had a boyfriend. We laughed a bit and he apologized, as it was his breakup strategy to drink and just have fun. Apparently he had broken up with his boyfriend about a week ago. Long story short, we spend the night together. We've been trading messages and texts and emails and have yet to go out on a date, but we meet up at the bar, have a few drinks, and spend the night doing amazingly depraved things.

I find myself getting.... anxious if he doesn't respond within a day. Is that desperate? Maybe. Will it scare away someone who doesn't want a relationship? Maybe. Is that bad? No. If I want a relationship, why would I spend time and energy in someone who doesn't? Either way, I think this is a non-issue now, so I no longer check for replies with anxiety, and more with excitement.

Here's the other thing I'm finding out... we're pretty sexually compatible, which is fantastic, but... hm. This may not be work-safe, so proceed with caution. I enjoy porn, and the porn I really get off on tends to be raunchier than most... lots of rimming, pissing, cum-eating, bareback (although I am well aware of the risks involved, so I think I watch that kind of porn to live vicariously through it... I have never intentionally gone bareback, and I don't plan on it anytime soon. I was stealthed once, but all my tests miraculously came out negative) and this guy is an aggressive top who can really pig out, which on paper is hot, but in practice? I get performance anxiety when he starts getting dirty and it pisses me off! I've finally found a partner who, sexually, is pretty much everything I get off on, but I freeze when we start getting into it. I have no idea what that means, because the idea of vanilla sex makes me kind of bummed out.

I dunno what the deal is exactly, but I am determined to find out. I guess I just have to have more sex to figure out what's wrong. Darn.