Dear 2009

FUCK YOU.

Sorry, it slipped. I tried to hold back, but you were just one shitstorm after another. I have never been so happy to see a year pass than you. Not 1998, when my best friend was killed in a skiing accident and Matthew Shepard was brutally murdered. Not 2001 when the towers came down and the US cemented itself as a reactive brute force in the world, rather than the savvy political negotiator I know it has the potential of becoming. Not 2003 when I went though hell for being accused and, after what seemed like forever, acquitted of a crime I did not commit. I mean sure, in January we finally saw someone other than an old white guy take the oath of office, but you were really just riding the coattails of 2008, so way to steal that thunder.

Really, what I'm clearly most pissed about is why 2009, of all years, was the biggest setback for marriage equality. And it's really, really difficult for me to write this without just getting angry. Angry at NOM, at S4MM, at the fucking Church, and every other organization hell-bent on making my status as a second class citizen a law. And the fact that first thing tomorrow morning - literally, first thing, at 12:01 AM - folks in the state right next door are going to be able to start getting married and us amoral, anti-family queers here in Maine need to rebuild our lives after giving so much only to be pushed back down. It's disgusting.

November 4th, 2009, was the hardest day of my life. Waking up that day and realizing all the work that my friends had put into the right was for naught was the most crippling feeing. Maybe I was naive but I really felt like we could have won. I felt like it was happening. And that morning, waking up the their smug fucking faces on the front of every newspaper made me sick.

But, 2009, tonight I will drink. I will drink to your death and I look forward to drinking away all memories of you. May the likes of you never again come around.

Dear 2010,

I'm watching you.

Two Things

First, in regards to an older post, I was wrong, I can not really understand why people of faith who are elected to represent all of the people in their district vote against equality. I guess I wanted to sound tolerant of organized religion. I don't know why, since I'm not. I never fault the individual but the church is so destructive. Hate the organization, not the individual. Hate the sin, not the sinner. Hm.

Secondly, I am really, really frustrated and disappointed in the New Jersey legislature. It is not looking good here in the Garden State (also, Garden State? How could that NOT be gay?!). Five republican Sentors (Keane, Kean, Ciesla, Bateman and Beck) came out against the bill, instead saying they could fix New jersey's Civil Unions Law, in effect saying the legislature didn't do it's job.

A few years ago, the New Jersey court system declared that restricting the benefits for "marriage" to heterosexual couples was unlawful. An institution identical to marriage was created, and the legislature was given the task of choosing either "civil union" or "marriage." They went with civil union.

The courts made it so that on paper, the two legal structures are identical so, in effect, they are claiming that there is a fundamental flaw in the New Jersey Marriage Laws. It's ridiculous. The only way to fix the law is to just call it marriage, but they can't get their heads out of their asses to see it that way.

I keep trying to remember that I am on the right side of history, the winning side, but it's hard to always look up when you keep getting slapped in the face.

I was so right!

Totally regretting the last post! But it's not my style to delete, I prefer to backpaddle.

It has been a long time since I've been in anything that can be described as a relationship. A long time. So when I get those relationship pangs, I know I'm in no position right now with my job to actually have a relationship for two reasons: first and foremost, it's against the rules. Sort of. Staff can't date staff and staff can't date volunteers. And, martyr that I am, whenever I meet an interesting, funny, smart guy my instinct is to recruit them for a volunteer shift. It's like I'm flogging myself with a chastity belt, but so much less sexy than that! Secondly, I don't have the time and energy left over after work to be able to engage with anyone. I spend all day listening to life stories of the people I'm fighting for (and don't me wrong, it's the most fulfilling work I have ever done), so when I get home I just want to crawl into bed with a movie and turn my brain off.

At times when I do actually go out and socialize and am able to get my mind out of the campaign, that's when the desire for a relationship starts to seep back in. So one of the guys from another office (whom I love dearly, he's like my older brother and I admire him endlessly for the work he does and has been doing) calls me up last night at around 10 and asks me if I want to head into Philly to go to a couple bars in the area and out of some twisted place in my head I say yes. It's about an hour away, so I knew after the bars close at 2 I wouldn't be getting to sleep before 3. We meet up (and I meet his new boy... a hot, thug-ish guy who I never would guess was a catcher, let alone gay) I get some alcohol in me and suddenly all I want is contact. All I can think about is taking some guy home and... well, you can probably guess from the last post just what I wanted to do. Naturally, I deny any and all advances from everyone at these bars and go home alone. Not ideal, but I have a long day today (I'm writing this on my lunch break) and I just wanted to sleep in my own bed.

So somehow that desire for an actual relationship mutated into me talking about what I like to do in bed, and I realize that's awfully forward. The way I see it, I have enough great, intelligent people around me every day that I can get the physical stuff from a random stranger and everything will balance out. I know I'm wrong. I have no illusions about that.

So, sorry if the last post was too much! Again, it's how I roll. Especially when inebriated.

Anyways, now I'm hungover but it's not too bad, and I have good people around me again and I'm so freaking excited to see my family on Thursday. Life is pretty okay right now!

And yet, while I may regret this later...

Having just returned back to NJ after a night in Philly at a gay bar, I feel as though this post needs to be prefaced with the following:

I am drunk.

I pride myself on being a person who does not easily succumb to addiction. There was a period in university where, for at least 2-3 months, I smoked pot every day. Granted, I was a leisurely pot smoker all through university and to this day, however at most it's once or twice a week now. Seriously, 2 or 3 months where I got high every day. I kept my grades up, I was never high in class, I even consistently went to the gym, but as soon as I was done for the day, the joints came out and the pipes breathed easy once more. Then one day, for no particular reason, I decided to stop. Cold turkey, I didn't smoke again for a year, maybe more. No reason, I just didn't feel like it anymore, proving that pot had no control over me. I have of course resumed smoking pot, but not because I felt I needed to. I had just remembered how wonderful it felt. I think I can attribute that to the fact that I quit for a while, so that initial high never became complacency...  I never really got used to it and so I never felt the need to get higher and higher... I would only ever just have a good buzz going.

I tell this story because there is a vice I have that, no matter where I am or what I am doing, I have never been able to shake. It's a thought that is always in my head and it has led me to dangerous, foolish situations.

At this point, there's no dancing around the subject. I am addicted to giving head. There is no sexual act I enjoy more than going down on another guy and it's not really something I can control. Craigslist, manhunt, adam4adam... friends, teammates, classmates, teachers... it's somewhat alarming that I'm still STI free (I was tested a couple weeks ago).

Why I feel the need to share this I can't really explain. Maybe the few who read this can offer me some insight.  Maybe because it's been so long since the last time I've felt that irreplaceable feeling of a man that causes me to be so forthcoming.

Then again, I have been drinking.

Hi, is this...?

In the middle of a phone bank right now and I just spoke to someone who nearly made me cry. A woman in her late fifties was telling me this story of the best example why civil unions don't work. Her partner came down with an aggressive and rare form of cancer. Her employer fortunately offered health care benefits for civilly unioned partners, so she was able to get the treatment she needed. Unfortunately the treatment did not work. While at work, her partner collapsed while a the grocery store and was taken to the hospital. She arrived and tried to explain to the man behind the desk that they had a civil union. He would not let her back because she was not family. While she argued, presented papers and legal documents, her partner died.

Not having health care is a problem, but people can work themselves out of medical debt and these folks were fortunate where they were able to find an employer that recognized their union. Same-sex partners write up legal documents stating they have power of attorney over their partners. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But because this woman could not say that the person dying just down the hall was her wife, she died among strangers. There is no way to fix the civil unions law, there is no education campaign that can be waged to turn around the reality that this woman died alone and as a second class citizen while her partner argued and begged and pleaded just yards away.

Anyone who votes against the marriage equality bill out of religious belief, while wrong, can not be faulted. It is not their fault that they are not yet able to see past the idea that religious doctrine should not dictate civil laws. Trying to fix the civil union law will take so much more time, effort and resources than just saying yes to marriage. In Massachusetts, the divorce rate decreased after marriage equality arrived. In Vermont, they passed a civil union law and, finally, recently realized the law was insufficient.

Okay. Stepping down from the soap box and back to the phones.

Enough about you, let's talk about me.

Alright! THIS is what I'm talking about. People of New Jersey, I now give you license to freak out.

And yet, with me barely able to open my door to get out to my car, my boss is expecting me to be ready to be at the office in 45 minutes. Oye. Organizing is a harsh mistress.

So I don't particularly like writing biographies, so I'll go with bullet forms.

• I am a 24 year old gay man who is out to pretty much everyone
• I have brown hair and blue eyes, and I have consistently had a beard since 2004
• I have a degree in drama from a top-ranked Canadian university
• I am a Leo and proudly identify with many of the accompanying characteristics (as well as the flaws)
• The fact that I have two (two!!) followers already astounds me
• I have two brothers and a sister, all younger
• My favorite movie the The Princess Bride, closely followed by Dirty Rotten Scoundrels
• My favorite artist is Andy Warhol, closely followed by daVinci
• My favorite musician is Regina Spektor, closely followed by Lady GaGa and the East Villiage Opera Company
• My favorite book is Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, closely followed by The Logogryph
• My favorite sport to watch is tennis, followed by rugby
• My favorite sport to play is tennis, followed by track and field
• I hate american football with a passion, and basketball players are goddamned divas. Baseball is boring.
• I use twitter, and the people I follow are friends, family, porn stars and the cast of Glee
• I have piercings and tattoos, but not telling you where
• I still watch Saturday morning cartoons
• I don't have a "type" per se, but am generally attracted to older men
• I identify as a "cub", although I have been called an "otter" and a "koala bear". Which confuses me a little.
• Hugh Jackman is the hottest man on earth. This is not something about me, but a concrete fact.
• I refused to wear jeans until I was in university, and for no particular reason.
• I refuse to wear tube socks unless I am wearing boots
• Multi-player online games annoy and intimidate me - gimme Mario for NES and I am a happy boy.
• I hate it when people use the word "boi" and make fun of people who hate the word "moist"
• I have only ever once dressed in drag, and it was as a nun with a penchant for naughty undergarments. On stage, in front of 300 people.
• My name is Evan, I am a mac.

Et voila!

It is snowing in New Jersey, and people are acting like the world is about to end. How can there be so little preparation for snow in this state?

So it looks like my stint in New Jersey is coming to an end. Major budget cuts reduced my salary by 75%, which translates to me heading back to Maine and getting a job working for health care, a debate which I have been sorely absent from. I have no idea what's happening there because I've been living marriage equality all day every day for nigh on ten months now. I'm a little intimidated, to be honest. There's so much work that has gone into creating this goddamned bill that now... well who knows.

I feel really bad about it too. Like I'm deserting the people of New Jersey. Like I'm dropping marriage equality as the most important thing to me right now.

I've been working on an open letter to New Jersey, and will post it soon. Kind of a dry run for future open letters. Not that anyone will read it, but at least it's out there. And maybe a bio. Not that anyone would care all that much.

And so it begins...

So here's the thing. I wanted to do something... different with this blog. That's how it started anyways. I originally had this idea of writing open letters to everyone. Politicians, celebrities, communities, states, concepts, ideas, whatever I wanted whenever I had an idea to process. But, that's not quite enough.

That, and I couldn't find a blog name I was happy with.

So here's my blog. Not another homo. I dare say my life is hardly worth blogging about, but there you go.

I'm sitting in a freezing cold office with a heater circa 1972 piteously breathing on my feet, trying to thaw.

I'll write more about who I am later. For now, consider the following:

(an excellent segment on Bill Nye)

Wednesday (December 17th) marks the 20th anniversary of the first episode of The Simpsons (as a series... the shorts on the Tracey Ullman Show started in '87). Like most shows that go for so long, it's starting to dip. We saw it happen/can see it happening with SNL. Either the show will continue to descend right into the grave, or it will experience a grand rebirth and (god willing) end on a high note. I also find it interesting that, even after 20 years, there's only been one movie and no spin-offs. Interesting in a very good way, I might add.

If you're still reading this, good on ya! But really? Get the hell out there and do something because even I can think of better things to do than read this garbage.